Neko

Is this really the best choice?

I took vto today, even though I know I really shouldn't. I took one last week and have only attended one day this week, so my paycheck is going to suck. I've got a lot on my mind the past week, since I last visited the girls and K. I feel like I'm going through another downswing in my depression and I'm not sure what to do about it, so I take off work and sulk in my house because I feel stuck mentally. It didn't help that yesterday was so hard on me. I'm usually able to throw myself in to my job and use that as a point of focus but it just wasn't there yesterday. It doesn't help that I didn't eat properly and skipped one of my breaks because I was so busy. So out of a 12 hour workday, I only sat down for 30 minutes and didn't eat, no wonder I was feeling like crap by the time I got home.

The thing that's been on my mind is we've been planning to get back together. As many nasty things as I write about him, I can't see myself with another person, and I sure don't see another person putting up with me or being on my level. I'm also honestly really disappointed by how the girls have been being raised- barely at all with my oldest taking up most of the responsibility of her sisters. I can't decide if I'm doing this because it's what I want, or just because it's what my kids need. I feel like being away has built up a new level of confidence and self-efficiency in me, I don't want to ruin that. I'm already skipping work to stay home. I don't know how to keep myself productive around someone who half-asses everything. It's like I become a victim of drugs, but instead of drugs it's my own mind, and I don't want to do anything but sit all day. I know I'm going to miss my job and the things I've built, but can I really enjoy it all with no one to enjoy it with? Is this really the best choice? For me? For my girls? For K? For everyone? Or do I not really have a choice at all, but to put one foot in front of the other and go on no matter how tired and depressed I am?