February 28, 2024 @ 9:41 pm

wishywashed out

It's been raining all day, so I stayed in bed for the most part again, now I'm going to have trouble sleeping, but I dismiss it by telling myself that I'm about to start working night shift again, so I should sleep more during the day. In reality, I just can't seem to find a reason to get up most of the time. I no longer have state insurance, and cannot get it through my job until I've been there ninety days, which means I'm cutting my meds when I should be taking them. A thing I often scold my dad for. The wind outside is wicked and keeps whipping the bushes outside my window, and I just keep making coffee and tea and attempt to read my book, but my attention won't hold like I wish it would. I keep pausing in the middle, placing the bookmark delicately back, then staring off into space before I pick it back up. I wish I could stop doing that and focus.

I've been avoiding K for the second half of today, and will probably avoid him tomorrow until I can get out to buy my uniform clothing. I need to make a trip on my bike to Walmart to grab the shoes, then budget my remainder on thrifted clothes. K keeps bothering me to return his loaned cash since I'm "not using it", when in reality, I just haven't been able to get out to the store the way I want. The thrift store is much further away and requires a car to travel to. I may have to ask Aunt N, since I've already asked another person who only fell through. I really despise not having my own vehicle or being limited by my own anxiety over driving in general. I feel like I would enjoy the freedom it brings, and I would no longer worry about being hit on my bike like K was way back when we were first a couple and nothing more.

I've got the urge to change my diary layout once again, even though I just created this pink monstrosity and like it very much (it reminds me of the old days of the internet), but I see others with much simpler styles and find myself growing jealous. I'm not sure why. I just need to calm myself and stop being so wishywashy in general.

I also really wish I had money for cigarettes.