endsofearth's Diaryland
Diary
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I want so badly to fit in like everyone else
It's been a long time since I've updated, but that doesn't mean events have ceased, obviously. I've been lazy in my writings lately, because I feel I have so much in my head at the moment they are taking place, but by the time I come to write them down, my thoughts have taken flight and I struggle to find the words I wish to write. I've been stuck in this continuous cycle where I want to achieve certain things- whether it's completing a project or an entry- and I feel absolutely paralyzed and get nothing done in return.
We're officially in our peak schedules at my job, meaning we now work 11.5 hour shifts. The first day was rough and my legs ached by the end. Surprisingly enough, the rest of the week (when I was problem solving) was much easier. Boss lady keeps putting me on the slowest floor, and I'm unsure if I should be grateful for that or not. On one hand, it's much easier for me to focus on all the various tasks I need to focus on when it's slower, but on the other hand, I get the creeping feeling that she thinks I can't handle a floor with heavier volume and it makes me feel like she thinks I'm less than the others. I have the habit of being rather scramble-brained, given I have a neurological disorder I suppose this is to be expected, but it doesn't make any difference in that it makes me feel I can't accomplish as much as someone "normal." It's like I've hit a limit, and no matter how much I want to push past it, I can only do so much. I hate it with all my heart.
I try so hard to be mindful and not blame others for why I feel this way, but old habits die hard I guess, and I find myself analyzing and comparing myself to others I deem "smarter" than me. J likes astrophysics and seems to catch on quick, I see boss lady calling on him quite a bit when she really needs something, but I still think back and realize he seems equally as lost in certain situations, and I have to laugh to myself (it's actually very sweet I can tell he wants to do a good job). Maybe there isn't much of a difference after all, and I'm being overly critical of myself and my abilities.
My entire experience right now is hard. I have to reset and learn to become an individual person again. I had my path paved out for me when we were together. Or I just didn't have to think about that at the time. Now I have to make the choices for myself and I'm feeling lost. I think back on the things I wanted to do as a child/teen and wonder why I never followed up. Somewhere along the way we become adults, get too busy just trying to feed ourselves, pay bills, live day to day, paycheck to paycheck, and it just never happens. I'm certainly not as outgoing or creative as I was back then. I only consume content, but not create. Another scenario in which I feel paralyzed and over analyzed. What do I have to give back, if anything? What am I passionate about? what sort of community do I belong to? I've always felt like a bit of a lone wolf, but I want so badly to fit in somewhere just like everyone else. In this moment, I feel like nothing but a speck of dust floating helplessly in the wind.
8:14 am - November 16, 2022
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