endsofearth's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Happy Ace Week It's Ace Week, so I thought why not a more perfect time to express my thoughts on my sexuality and it's complicated journey? ;) To be honest, I still feel like there's a lot about myself I don't know. I've been struggling with the idea that I may fall somewhere on the Aromantic spectrum as well, which would explain why my last two (and only two) romantic relationships I've ever had ended in a failure that was admittedly more on my end- feelings wise. I enjoy the idea of being in a relationship with someone, I play dating sim games, and simp over fictional characters, but when it comes to real life...I just don't have it in me to keep up, I guess. The "honeymoon" phase of a brand new relationship is great- flirting, that funny feeling in the pit of your stomach, the "do they or don't they feel the same?" guessing game before you decide to ultimately make a move- I really like that part and find it fun. But after a while, having to constantly validate your love for someone is...exhausting. For me personally, it begins to seems like another routine chore and that's the part I struggle with. I've mulled over the idea of looking for another romantic partner, but realistically, I've come to realize that's probably a bad idea. I can't give myself to somebody like that, but I still feel a bit envious of those who can. I'm more comfortable calling myself asexual than I was when I first discovered the term six years ago. After all, how could I, a woman who was married and gave birth to multiple children, be asexual? I've had sex, obviously. But now I look back at who I was then and remember how much I struggled mentally, and about how I thought there was something wrong with me because I just didn't enjoy it. I couldn't relate to the other moms in my groups who complained of the lack of sex in their marriages after kids. There was a period of time when I was a child that I was actually religious. I went to Bible day camp, had my own children's bible, and listened to my parent's stories of the impending apocalypse, and was constantly anxious over how I could make it to heaven. Until one day, I had a radical thought- "maybe I don't need to believe in what my parent's do." and it was all downhill from there (har har). I feel this situation is similar, in the sense that I used to make myself sick with worry over why sex didn't seem like this big magical life-changing experience like how everyone described. I wasn't quick to lose my virginity like my best friend did so casually, and never felt the need to hook up with anyone as a hormonally challenged teen. Sex was meh at best, and now I just find it completely overwhelming with all it's smells and tastes and sweat... Lying to yourself because your're convinced you need to conform to some societal standard is dumb, and I'm not doing that any more. I'd much rather live a happy sexless life than an anxious, depressed one. 8:26 am - October 27, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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